Nearly 5 Months

It's almost April, which means it's almost April 4th, which means it's almost been 5 months since I had Phoenix. Since we got to welcome her into this world, and hold her tiny perfect fingers and toes and little body. I miss her like crazy. Tonight was rough. I just came from the bathroom upstairs where I stared at my bloodshot, mascara-filled eyes.

I was gifted the book: Joy Cometh in the Morning by Fran C. Hafen by Ashley Sullenger. I was intrigued by it at first, didn't read it though, and set it aside with my other special child-loss books. Everything was so fresh then that I didn't want to stomach reading something I knew was just going to make me cry more in that moment.

Well last night I decided to pick it up off my shelf. So I began reading right before bed. 2 pages in and I loved that I could relate to everything the author was describing and writing about. I fell asleep happy and had some tears in my eyes already.

Tonight I sketched (for my watercolor orders) and then decided to come downstairs to read (because Kevin had fallen asleep on our bed and I didn't want to bug him by keeping the light on any longer!). I curled up with this book by our little heater and began again. Only another page and the tears were rolling. I was annoyed with myself and wiped them up a little and continued. But my emotions were just too strong. I didn't want to fight in tears, and that's when I looked up at Phoenix's picture, sitting on our entry table. Why am I trying to not cry over her? I deserve to cry all I want....and so I just let it all out. It was so needed.

I think this past month more feelings and questions and anger have surfaced about sweet Phoenix. Again, not directed at anyone personally, but just there. I'm mad I don't get to have Phoenix here with our family. I'm sad I don't get to carry her around in a carseat with a bunch a cute new blankets so soft to wrap her up in. I'm frustrated. I feel I wasn't worthy enough to be her mom here on earth.

So like I said, I stood staring at myself in the upstairs mirror. These questions racing through my head. Frustration, anger, hurt, sadness. I knew I needed to write out these feelings quick. Before I forgot them again. So here I sit. after having washed my mascara off. I have a Yankees baseball blanket wrapped around me, and the laptop in my lap, with the heater at my feet, Downstairs in the living room.

This is helping me feel better. Writing. And if someone is reading this, hopefully if anything, you see that book reference and go buy it for yourself and your own grieving heart. OR buy it for someone you know who needs it.

And now I'm falling asleep here, and it's only 11:37 (hah. i know, psycho. but usually bedtime is like 12 or 1 for us...insert sheepish/hide my face monkey emoji here)!

I love that the snow has melted and when we go visit her grave, we can see her name plate. And I absolutely love that tonight, for family home evening we went to Cold Stone after our little Book of Mormon lesson. As we were sitting there at the table enjoying our ice cream, another family came in who had 3 kids. Bronx spotted them and piped up: "Hey mom! Look! They have 3 kids just like us!" ...melted my heart. He truly has been blessed to be taking this whole experience in stride and honestly shocks us with his ability to understand and talk about all the sacred special heavenly things regarding Phoenix (another topic i need to write on asap). He humbles me so much with his little 4 year old wisdom.

Love you baby girl. Miss you so bad it hurts right now. Don't know if that hurt will ever go away until you are in my arms again.