Take the burden from my arms
Take the anchors off my lungs
Take me broken and make me one
Break the silence and make it a song
.
.
Life is short; I wanna live it well
One life, one story to tell
Life is short; I wanna live it well
And you're the one I'm living for
Awaken all my soul
Every breath that you take is a miracle
Life is short; I wanna live it well, yeah
.
.
I wanna sing with all my heart a lifelong song
Even if some notes come out right and some come out wrong
Cause I can't take non of that through the door
Yeah, I'm living for more than just a funeral
I wanna burn brighter than the dawn
.
.
I got one life and one love
I got one voice, but maybe that's enough
Cause with one heartbeat and two hands to give
I got one shot and one life to live
One life to live, yeah
And every breath you take is a miracle
.
.
Live It Well (by Switchfoot).
I had Alexa play my "happy songs" playlist this morning, and then began to do the dishes. This song came on and I lost it. I sat silently scrubbing dishes while I cried. And it felt good. Today is not just any other day for me. Today marks the moment, three years ago, that I got to meet my sweet Phoenix. It also marks the day I had to say goodbye to her. Give her back to my Heavenly Father. I know His arms were open wide for her and that she's doing big things right now. But I do wish she was here.
I finished the dishes and just watched Ryder play. He's at the cutest age and is learning so fast and discovering all the new things around him. But as he sat playing and babbling to himself, I let my mind wander to "what could have been" if Phoenix was here today. She'd be playing right along with him. Maybe being a little bossy, but they'd be the best of buds. Just like Bronx and Tinley were. She'd have the sweetest little face and brown wispy hair. I'd have taken her to the beach to play in the sand and watch her laugh and giggle as the waves tried to creep up and kiss her toes. I'd write her name in the sand and make her sit by it while i snapped a pic or ten. We'd let her dictate what she wanted to eat all day. I'd make her favorite dinner and treats. And I'd be buying her a toy or two and something with her favorite color on it.
Instead I scooped Ryder up and danced with him around the house. He loved it. I pointed out Phoenix on our fridge and he pointed right back at her and smiled so big. I kissed him and hugged him and loved on him like I would have with Phoenix. I feel so broken and sad today, but I am also so happy. Because I know she's not gone forever. I know she's giving me extra love today, because I need it. I wish so hard that I could hold her and hug her and see her face. Look in her sweet eyes. Hold her little hand. She is my constant reminder that I have three miracles right her right now with me that need me to be the very best I can be.
It's funny what grueling and unpleasant challenges do to you. To me. As much as I hate them and would never wish my specific trials on anyone, I wouldn't trade them. I learned from them, and I am constantly learning from them. Learning how to be a more compassionate human being, learning how to be more sensitive and aware, learning my triggers and how to avoid bad ones, learning how to heal, how to forgive, how to be selfless, and most important: every single one has brought me closer to my Savior, and opened my eyes to really feeling the Spirit. They've helped me see with a little clearer perspective, this earth life, family life, and how my Heavenly Father sees me.
I was telling Kevin last night, how I wanted the day to go today, and he kindly reminded me that I might be setting myself up for failure. He's right. I pulled back and thought about that. I tend to over-promise and under-deliver on things like this, so I decided to not worry about it. I ran this morning and it felt the coolest it has since we got to the island. I had the perfect breeze and gorgeous morning skies. It felt good and I felt happy. The kids will do swim lessons, and then we'll probably end up at the pool. We'll come home and make cards for Phoenix, and cupcakes for after dinner. It will be a good day, even if it doesn't feel good with her gone.
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