What 2020 Has Taught Me

Tonight after the kids went to bed, I began taking down the Christmas trees. I say trees, as in plural, because we have a "nice" one upstairs and a "kid" one downstairs. The kid one is the cool one. That's the one that has all the fun ornaments that are full of meaning and memories. It's colorful with mismatched ornaments and rainbow lights. My goal for today was to take them down, so as I was carefully taking the stuff off the kid tree I began reflecting on myself and this year as a whole. Here are some things I've discovered about myself this year:

• i am not as great of a friend as i thought i was

• i am not as great of a sister (ahem or SIL) as i thought i was

• i am not as great of a mom as i want to be

• i can't do it all and have it all

• people are going to not like me/"click" with me, and that's okay

• friendships can be hard and confusing

• i struggle with depression and stress (more on this later, i'd love to share my experiences with these beasts)

Now yes, I realize this sounds pretty bleak. The good news is that I'm working through all of this stuff. It's messy and new to me and-thanks to an awesome hubby, sisters, girlfriends, my mom, and a patient Heavenly Father-I've come to realize that I'm going to be okay. I didn't feel like that for a long time. I cried a lot to myself. I'm learning slowly how to let more expectations go, how to be more forgiving, and how to grow Christ-like charity. I'm so bad at it, but I'm trying.

Something interesting that I've noticed the past few months/year, is that it is SO easy to wallow in self-pity. Like, scary easy. When I focus on the bad, the bad gets worse. And it has basically been eating me up each day. That, and the fact that I have stressed myself out over a lot of stuff... ::cough::homeschool::cough:: (<<BUT! i have so much to say about this, because i honestly love homeschooling, that i should really make it its own post. i'm working on it and will tag it here when i have!).

I am trying hard to focus on the good. I am trying REALLY hard to just be happy. When I am able to say to myself: "Nope. I'm not going to let that thought have any control over me." and I kick it out as quickly as it enters, I feel great. Being able to not let insignificant things rule my emotions...it's powerful, and that helps me to be happier.

I've gathered so many small but powerfully significant "aha" moments this year. Moments that I will be taking with me into the new year. I'd say overall, that 2020 has taught me to let things go that I have no control over, and to take control over my self (the one person i do have control over) and manage my emotions and well-being better.

And to end this post, I'd like to share some of my very favorite ornaments with you that I took down tonight!

This is one that Kevin's mom hand painted and gave us this year. It's a new favorite because 1-i love watercolors and how amazing she is with them. 2-it's the mountains, it's home

Our close family friend, Nancy Tietjen, made these by hand as well and engraved them. She gifted us each one of these the Christmas right after Phoenix passed. They will always have a super special place in my heart. I love seeing them each year.

This little train and santa, Kevin and I bought in Europe when we traveled there with siblings in the fall of 2013. These Christmas santas were bought in a little store at the base of the Neuschwanstein castle. I can't believe it's already been that long ago. It was such an exciting trip with some amazing views and memories. We also have a few adorable little snow men, nutcrackers, and some more of these detailed santas that I absolutely love.

While very basic, here's one of the many salt dough ornaments that I made with Bronx and Tinley Christmas of 2018 (in our Trejo townhome). It was our first time making and painting them, and we had such a blast in our kitchen that day. I hope they remember that little moment forever.

This shot is just one that makes me happy. I wish all these cute villages were mine, but they're my mother-in-law's. She sets them up every year. I love all the little details throughout and it reminds me of  the style of puzzles my mom always loved and bought growing up. Landscape folklore type.