11 Lessons Learned In 11 Years of Marriage

I thought that this year it would be fun to compile a list of 11 things that Kevin and I have learned, and tried to get better at, the past eleven years of marriage. It definitely hasn't been a walk in the park for us (but honestly is it for any couple?), but we've grown more than I think we ever could under our circumstances and personal experiences. And that's the beauty of this life. We all have different struggles and victories, and some couples may mesh better together than others. Kevin and I choose to fight for each other and our marriage every day in every action and thought.

Here they are (and yep i made Kevin text me his input too):

1. patience. We've learned a lot of patience over eleven years, and I'm positive we'll continue to work on this one, because we are both bad at it. haha. Being patient with each other, while getting to know each other on a more personal level, takes work! Meshing two people together, from different backgrounds and rules, to form one beautiful life, is hard. For example: Kevin is 7 out of 10 kids, on the end of the lineup, and let's just say he had a lot of freedom aka not a lot of rules (or maybe he just didn't listen to them...). I on the other hand was the first of 6 kids, the "guinea pig" if you will. I had a ton of strict rules and curfews like crazy (totally what i needed though turns out..). So now that we have kids, we are implementing things from both of our backgrounds and experiences into them. Hoping we don't mess them up and praying we can do our best to help them become the best they can be! This takes patience from both of us, and of communication.

2. communication. So key. the quicker you can figure out how the other person communicates best, the better. Keeping each other in the loop and talking over big decisions-and hey even small ones-before doing them, has been super helpful for us. It also shows respect for your spouse.

3. good things take time. Over time Kevin and I have learned more and more what makes the other person tick. What bugs the heck outta them, what triggers them, and how to avoid those hurtful things. Not saying we're perfect at it by any means, just saying that time has helped when getting to know your spouse.

4. if you need to walk away and take some space during a fight, that's okay. The catch-phrases: "don't go to bed angry" and "fight naked" are a bunch of crock. I heard those all growing up and really thought I needed to follow them. I thought I was doing something wrong if I went to bed mad or frustrated with Kevin. BUT I've found that if you need to take some space and breathe, that's totally okay and most of the time, much needed. When Kevin and I were first married I would feel this huge need to talk an argument to death, whereas Kevin needed space. If we both pushed, the fight got worse and worse and more things would get dragged into it (ahem, Kevin NEVER swears, but apparently i'm the only person that can make him swear...). Do yourself a favor and stop talking. Go to bed! Say a prayer and sleep off those nasty feelings.

5. forgive. This should actually be at the top of the list, as I feel this has played a key role in Kevin and my marriage. There is nothing more Christ-like than being able to forgive and move forward together. Nothing quite as beautiful.

6. figure out sex and how to make it the best possible for each other. Yeah haha. This is obviously a super private matter and can definitely be a sensitive subject at times to some. But in the beginning of our marriage the top two things we fought about were: (you guessed it) money and (surprise surprise) sex. Not shocking as you probably know, as those are common subjects of discord. I wanted to spend all the money, and Kevin anted all the sex. And while those two things still might hold true 1. I've gotten 100x better at not buying everything I want, and 2. I'll just say we've figured out what works for us right now *winkwink*

7. finances. Like mentioned above, communication here is so important! Sharing money, especially if you haven't before, can be frustrating. I remember one time, maybe a year into our marriage, when Kevin and I got into a big fight(don't remember what it was about of course!). Well, I was so annoyed about it that to "get back" at him I went and spent over $500 on clothes...um, yeah. I was dead. Super selfish and immature of me to do. It made our original argument worse, and stressed us both out. Soooo dumb. That never happened again. When either of us wants to purchase something we always let the other know and talk over big purchases. I feel like this is just common sense...let your spouse know what's up! We've also given ourselves monthly budgets in the past which has worked well.

8. make time to be together. In the beginning of our marriage it was easy to be with each other because we didn't have kids. As the years have gone by and our family has grown, there are more activities added into the daily mix, more appointments, and more little people who constantly need and want our attention, it's easy to forget and push our time aside. Not to mention it feels like the hours just fly by when you are so busy, and you're left feeling exhausted! Also, because I work from home at night it's easy to let that take over our time. No matter what, each night we try to spend an hour or two together. Some weeks are better than others. Sometimes (rarely right now!) we get out of the house for date nights, or go to lunch while the kids are in school (Ryder is our third wheel, haha). I LIVE FOR those few hours of just "us" time! They help us to reconnect, and we both see that we are SO MUCH happier when we do them.

9. show interest in what each other loves. Kevin and I have very different interests and hobbies. We definitely fit the "two opposites attract" catchphrase. Kevin loves sports, played them all growing up, enjoys watching them, etc. I suck at sports and am the girl that always got hit in the head with the ball and cried. I love art and dance and music. Kevin HATES dancing, like, so bad. And he's actually decent if he knows no one is watching! I feel this is one thing that we've been good at consistently for the past 11 years. He'll go hiking with me or running (other things he doesn't love that much! hah!), and i'll go to sporting events with him or try my best to shoot hoops with him now and then.

10. be aware. Specifically of each other's feelings. If you feel something is off with your spouse, ask. And when asked, be open about how you are feeling. Help each other out, because no one is a mind reader! I want to throw in "be considerate" right here as well. Kevin really (like really) has a problem with hearing people chew food. He hates it and it drives him crazy to no end. I remember early in our marriage, driving in the car on a road trip once when I was eating PB M&Ms...and Kevin was dying he was so annoyed, because he could hear me chewing them. I thought it was the stupidest thing, but I decided to suck on them (and stop eating them) because it was bugging him so much. haha. Being considerate of each others needs shows love!

11. don't sweat the small stuff. Aka don't blow things out of proportion. Remember the big picture, your goals and your dreams and those things that you want, and are working towards together! Don't let a little thing like the toothpaste cap or chewing M&Ms break you apart.