Hitting a low this week. But that's okay. I'm 96% sure it's because it's that dang time of the month, and my hormones are all over the place, which is always something i can count on. Gotta make it through haha.
Kevin is gone this weekend to Vegas to golf with some old friends from high school. And as soon as 3:30 hits today, it will officially be SPRING BREAK! Can't believe that it's here, but I'm so ready for something to shake up the mundane around here i guess. So it's just the kids and I until Sunday, and then we'll head down to meet Kevin in St George which should be a fun time.
So back to the low of the week. It's just me, getting in my head. Feeling sorry for myself. I try hard NOT to let myself go here a lot, especially lately. I know I'll be fine and happy again in a few days, no problem. But I kind of wanted to just brain dump here for a second. I thought about doing one of those "write and burn it" type papers, but I really want my kids and grandkids (or maybe just an older version of myself) to be able to sit down and come back to this moment and these very real and valid feelings I'm having right now.
I had to get outside to try and quiet my mind. I weeded for a little bit, until it was time for Scout to come inside and eat some lunch before going down for a nap. That helped. What is it? What have I been stewing over lately?
Well, I'm turning 37 this year. Holy cow that sounds so old. But I don't feel old! I feel i've been so good at taking care of myself and listening to my body. But yeah, I'll be 37 and Kevin will be 39 in a couple months. And here we are living at my parent's home, with my baby sister and her family in the basement. I love them, but it's not my fave, and I'm sure it's not theirs either. My parent's are saints for even letting this happen. My mom has been up in Meridian taking care of her parents for a while. They are there indefinitely, and while sad, it has also been incredibly amazing for our kids. I'm talking night and day difference with friends. This is such a fun time for them! And i love it for them soooo much! I love the constant knocks on the door and the little faces that show up to ask if so-and-so can play. I love that they scooter around, get bored, come jump on the tramp, come hang out and play games at the table or on the VR together, play night games, build forts together, have movie nights...it's how childhood should be. And for that I'm so SO grateful.
And now I feel extremely guilty for what I'm about to say...(warning: it's a lot) I hate sharing a kitchen. I hate that all of our things have just been packed up in storage for forever. I wish we had land and our own home. One that has a giant gathering room with an open kitchen, so that we can just have friends and family over. I want to be the hostess. I want to invite people over. Kevin and I are coming up on 17 years of marriage...and in this moment I'm feeling frustrated that we don't have more to show for what we've been through. I'm so proud of us. It hasn't been easy haha, but I know nothing ever is. Especially things that are worth it. Ya gotta fight for them and be present. You have to put in the work for stuff to happen. I get that.
The whole reason Kevin and I are living here in my parent's house, is because we were preparing for fourth year rotations. The kids and I would be able to be in a safer, better area than we were in California, and they'd be in a much better school. All while Kevin went to do his last rotations all over the country.
Well, we pivoted. In a huge way. We decided to quit medical school. For so many reasons, and no one will really understand unless you've done this yourself with an "older" family. But one of the big reasons, was our kids. We didn't want to have to move them somewhere far away again, and start them in a new school that probably won't be as safe. Every time I say that I feel like I can see the eye rolls and "cop out" looks. It kills me, because I want to scream to everyone: WE COULD HAVE MADE ANYTHING WORK! Trust me, we have made a lot work. We've moved multiple times, and I get it: military families do this all the time. But simply put: we were done with this. We wanted to take back more time together with Kevin and not to have dad gone for the next 4 years and for all of Bronx's teenage life. People do it, I get it. We simply didn't want to.
But now where does that put us? With a whole bunch of experience and no where to go it feels like. I'm ready to feel settled, and at this point I don't know if I'll ever get to have that luxury. Dramatic much? I see all our friends and family who have grinded away and have their own homes and yards...and I want that. I feel i've been able to curb my jealousy because I have always tried to keep the bigger picture in mind. We were just playing the "long game" and our turn was coming, you know? But now I wonder where will we end up? What do the next 17 years hold for us? How can we make them better, how can we be smarter?...
I also never ever try to entertain the thought, or ask the question: WHY. But I am right now. I'm frustrated and mad and want to scream out WHY in the heck did we just do all of that and go through years of medical school stress and crap...to end up here? With mountains of school debt? What's the point? Are we completely stupid? haha i know you're thinking it. We've thought it ourselves many times. It's its own wave of emotions that Kevin and I have experienced the past 3 months since deciding to step away from the medical world. It makes us sad. Kevin had a huge passion for helping people and really loved learning and figuring out the human body. He learned so much about himself and his own families issues/autoimmune diseases.
Now I mostly feel like a big baby for complaining and laying it all out here for you to read, but it is what it is. To put some perspective on it: I have a friend who's husband is dying from cancer. And I think: oh my gosh. That could be Kevin. How can I make the most of my time here with my kids and my spouse? How can I make them feel more loved and happy and uplifted? How can I be a better mom and example to them? And I just remember: it's in the small and simple things that great things happen. BUT nothing changes if nothing changes. I'm gonna go and try and be productive this next hour while Scout sleeps :) Happy Friday!
Post a Comment