Pregnancy #3: the last 2 weeks (36-38)

Here we are on the final countdown. Literally. 4 days left. I am 38 weeks this week (Thursday to be exact). I check into the University of Utah Hospital at 8pm Thursday, they give me a special pill to soften my cervix (sorry to be blunt!) and then basically Kevin and I will hang out over night, try to sleep??!! (hah) and they'll start giving me pictocin early the next (Friday) morning. Then hopefully I'll just dialate fast, be able to get an epidural (because if i'm being real, i am a freaking beast without one, plus in the past i have started throwing up because my contractions were so bad), and then our sweet baby girl will come out, her one lung will be totally strong and able to help her breathe, there will be no more issues with her heart, and her spinal curvature will be next to nothing. We'll get to take her home after 2 days, and our lives will go on without any more scares or worries.

...Hope for the best but prepare for the worst, right? I heard that in a talk somewhere this past week. My feelings and emotions have definitely been stronger the past week and a half since getting down here to Utah. And they've been all over the place. I feel like a wreck inside. I started tearing up at the park, just looking over at a mom with a newborn. That's never happened. I start thinking: will I be able to take this baby girl on a stroller ride? Will I get to cuddle her in her newborn clothes on my couch at home? Will I get to watch Tinley be so cute and interact with her as a new big sister? Will I get to enjoy that sweet baby smell? Will I get to do her hair (something I never looked forward to doing when I first found out I was having Tinley, but now yearn to be able to do!)..will I get to dress the girls in matching clothes? Will I get to hear her first words, see her walk, or teach her about Jesus? .....I just had to stop writing there and distract myself because I started crying. I hate this. I hate not knowing. I hate that I'm going out to look for a little white dress tomorrow. Not for a blessing, but possibly a funeral. It's so hard. And I hate even writing those words because I feel like I've been trying to put on a braver face and be strong. But right now I just want to be told I'm going to be holding a healthy newborn baby girl in my arms on Friday. I want that so so so bad. 

Ugh. I'm tired of crying. Deep breath.

Let me write about my last two doctor visits. The first was October 20th. We did another ultrasound, and did the groupB strep (which came back negative surprisingly-i had it with both Bronx and Tinley). Nothing new at the ultrasound. The previous time being there-when we had met with all the surgeons and NICU teams-my doc had mentioned my MRI, and how they had seen that her spine was way worse than she thought. So, after doing some reading about scoliosis (the ONLY thing I have looked up this pregnancy), I asked my doc straight out if that's how serious her spine is, and Dr Byrne said yes. 

Then after the ultrasound and talking with Dr Byrne, we met with the Rainbow Kids team. Basically we were put in a room with  7 other people who wanted to hear all of our (Kevin and my) feelings on everything. I had been doing fine up until now. No crying. No being overly emotional. But then one of these people asked: "And how do you feel this will affect your other two (children), if things end up going that way (of Phoenix passing)?"...I just broke down. Ugly crying...again...nothing new. What do you say to that?! Of course I am scared it's going to affect them a lot. Bronx is a smart kid and is aware of everything. Tinley knows there's a baby in my tummy, and runs up to "give Phoenix a kiss!" all the time....i don't even want to think about what to say to them if she can't come home with us. I don't want to think about how this will affect me as a mom. I actually want to scream and punch something just thinking about that. The funny thing is, I'm not directing my anger at anyone. Especially not my Heavenly Father. I know he's doing what he needs to do, and I know that somehow, someway, I'll be able to carry on. I have too much faith in Him to start doubting now and throw all my beliefs out the window. That would just be stupid.

I finally just said flat out: "I can't do this. I'm not trying to be rude, but I just really would rather not talk about this anymore right now." Of course they were all understanding and super nice, and I felt bad for cutting our time short....but not too bad.

Kevin headed back up to Rexburg afterwards, and I drove back to my parent's house (Kevin drove the truck, I drove one of my parent's cars).

My latest (and last) doctor visit/checkup was last Thursday (October 27th). Nothing exciting. I'm still at a 1-2, but am 70% effaced. So slight progression there. I hope I am a little further along when I actually end up going in, because I don't want to have to start at a 1-2 when I am induced. 

Kevin drives down Wednesday after work. The kids and I are sooooo ready to see our main man and can't wait to give him so many kisses and hugs!!! 

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I wrote all that above Sunday night. And now it's Monday night. I kinda went to bed a wreck last night and around 1am I came across a post on Instagram here that really spoke to me: 

"Some people look at those that have had bad or hard things happen to them and say, "if that had happened to me, I couldn't survive, I wouldn't be able to go on." But if I can offer one pearl of wisdom it is this, you can survive. You can go on to live an incredibly happy and joyful life. It's hard and scary, but it can happen and it's ok if it takes a while to get to that point. There's no timeline that any of this has to happen by and there's no rule book. 

I think we naturally tend to think that we're invincible and that bad things can't and won't happen to us. When Indi died I remember thinking, "This kind of stuff doesn't happen to me! It doesn't even happen to close friends or family. This kind of stuff only happens to friends of friends or acquaintances, people we barely know. We hear stories about this on the news or from others and we feel sad for them and sometimes even cry for them. But this sad stuff never happens to me." But I realized, I'm not exempt from tragedy. No one is. But that's why the human brain and body have this incredible ability to adapt and move forward when put through the flames of adversity. We are more capable than we think we are."

And I was able to snap out of my self-pity-ing mode. I woke up with a giant headache the next morning, but it helped me to stop crying, remember that everything will be okay even if it takes a while, and I fell asleep. 

Then tonight, as I was putting Bronx in bed and singing his favorite song (When I am Baptized, Children's Songbook #103), Bronx made the comment: "Mom, when I get baptized, how will I hold my breath? I can't hold my breath that long!" And I told him: "Well, that's in 4 more years dude. You're going to learn so much between now and then, and I bet you learn to hold your breath for longer, as you get older." ....and then as I was getting ready for bed myself tonight, I thought back on that short conversation we had. I am going to get through this. And just like everything else in life, I'll learn as I go. 

36 weeks

And hey, HAPPY HALLOWEEN! Here's a pic of me and the kids right before we headed out for trick or treating tonight!

37 weeks