I definitely feel like I have to prep myself to write lately. At least when writing about Phoenix. Like it's this giant ordeal and part of me knows how much all my crazy whacked-out emotions are going to come spilling out as I type. I literally layed on the floor for an hour by our Christmas tree tonight, trying to avoid thinking about writing some more of this story...more of our life lately and how I've been trying to handle it all and feeling.
I had been told by a few friends and family members that the holidays the first year around are the hardest. Now, I realize my situation is different from say, losing a husband or an older child...but it still hurts nonetheless. My eyes are being opened to so many different levels of sorrow and pain that I didn't fully understand. It's funny how our trials do that to us.
Nights are always the hardest. Maybe because that's when the hustle and bustle of the day is over and I can actually think without having two tiny humans at my feet. Usually I love the peace and quiet that comes after putting the kids in bed, but lately I've just been getting anxiety (which, i totally never felt like i had until the past 2 months!). It's easier when Kevin is around, and we are watching our shows together, verses him going to workout or play basketball or racquetball or just have a guys night. Again, usually i'm fine with him doing that, but the past month I've been wanting him home and by me more. I've gotten no projects done at night (which doesn't help my anxiety and the Christmas situation!)....whereas before it was prime project time!
I feel like my emotions are all over the place. Some days I am totally fine and the nicest calmest mom and wife ever, the next I have turned into the wicked witch, have no patience, or am bawling because everything is setting me off. I was walking in the grocery store the other day and saw a mom with a carseat and brand new baby inside, and had to just look away and turn off my emotions. Or another time I went running on the track at the college, and there was-no joke-4 or 5 mom/couples pushing new born baby girls in their strollers. Every time I ran (okay, more like slow jogged, huffing and puffing) past those moms, I just wanted to stop and be like: "Do you know how sweet and precious this little baby is? I hope you hold her close tonight. I hope you feel so blessed to have her.,.because I wish I had my baby girl right now!"
Sometimes I feel angry. Not often, but I did feel more anger come and go a couple weeks after her passing. Not directed at anyone, but more like the normal feelings of: Why?! Why can't I have her with me right now?! Why can't Bronx and Tinley have their little baby sister?! Why?!....
Things that I had used in the hospital like lotion or body wash, is now my favorite. It may sound weird, but I treasure these things because they remind me of her.
We have been flooded with mail and love from family and friends. Near and far. Some we didn't even think really knew us or paid attention to us. I have been given so many different necklaces or bracelets, and each is different and unique, but most important is that each of them have some sort of symbol or initial indicating Phoenix. I love them all. LOVE THEM. Each one is seriously my favorite because it makes me feel closer to her.
So to sum up a month: even though I may seem a little collected on the outside, I am pretty much a nervous wreck on the inside. I don't even know what I'd do without Kevin. He has literally been the best husband and dad ever through this. His positivity, his willingness to pick up my slack...everything he has done has been so sweet and thoughtful. Man I love him so much.
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