First Sunday Back + 2 Months

While the first month after Phoenix's passing, I didn't want to see or talk to anyone really (and wanted to avoid life in general), I had wanted to start going back to church the first of December. Except, the bug had hit us and hard! For the whole month of December we were all taking turns having the nasty snotty/runny/stuffed nose, and barking cough. Lots of sleepless nights tossing and turning with sad sick kids. Then it was January. We (okay, I) felt ready. And even though I wanted to roll right back over when my alarm went off at 7:15...I didn't. I lay there thinking: If I don't get up now, no one will. And we'll miss again. I NEED to get up! So I did...which was no small feat. You know how Kevin and I are night-owls and love our Netflix and projects :)

We found our usual bench, church started, and I tried not to cringe too much when one of my kids coughed too loudly. haha. I was "okay" until a baby blessing was announced, and I tried to sit there as the family got up to bless him(or her? i honestly don't remember), but a big thick knot was forming in my throat. And then the tears started gathering, and I knew if I didn't get out of there I'd be a wreck. So I hurried and walked out before the blessing started, and booked it to the bathroom. I let the tears fall and then grabbed a giant handful of toilet paper, and went back in.

I knew there would be baby blessings. I knew I'd be sad because I wasn't holding or blessing my own sweet baby(yes, we did bless her in the hospital-but you know what i mean?). The feelings just kinda resurfaced faster than I had planned...or not planned...I don't know! It's super hard for me to control my emotions. hah. I've always been the type of person who "wears them on their sleeve". 

Sunday school was fine, but I was worried about Relief Society. I know I'm a bawl baby, and sitting in a room full of women, feeling the Spirit testify about the lesson that day...I knew it was going to be hard. A friend came and sat down by me, who had a baby 2 weeks after Phoenix was born. I think if Phoenix had been born at 40 weeks, they would have shared the exact same birthday. Crazy right?! Anyways, I loved seeing her precious baby girl, but of course teared up off and on. We started singing the closing song and I lost it. I just sat silently trying to cry and not let anyone see. HAH. Right after the prayer I had some of the RS presidency come put their arms around me. I hate crying in public, and wanted to dissapear. I mumbled something about "...I was trying to stay so put together..." and was immediately told: "We are not here to be put together!"....I need to remember that a little more often.

How does that quote go? The church is not for perfect people (there is no such thing!), but for imperfect people trying to become perfect like Christ...

I think one of the very hardest things during this second month without her, was going to Kevin's work Christmas party, back in December. We were sitting at a round table with a lot of people I didn't know, and got asked the question (that I was dreading): "So how many kids do you have?" I stared blankly wanting to answer, but didn't know how...luckily Kevin piped in and said "We have two." And the conversation went on....but I was so angry and sad inside. SO sad. I wanted to yell: THREE. I have three kids! When we got in the car afterwards, I told Kevin about how I felt, and he agreed. But then he told me how he had already had this conversation with a customer at his work...and he said it got awkward fast, because immediately after he told the person that he has three kids, they asked: "Oh! and what are their ages?"...which then he mentioned that one was just born and passed and that made things so weird fast.

I get it. It IS awkward. I just wish it wasn't. And still, every time I run around the track and pass these mommys pushing their new babies I get this giant urge to stop and tell them how lucky they are...